Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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