i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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