God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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