Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
honey bunches of taint.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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