A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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