you traded sex for a burrito?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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