I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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