Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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