god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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