hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
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I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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