I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
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I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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