I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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