No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
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That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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