Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
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You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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