Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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