giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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