I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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