I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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