she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
did you just send me my own nude
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