My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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