This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
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having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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