The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
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hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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