dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize