I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
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I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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