I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
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once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
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you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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