i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
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a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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