remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
50% drunk capacity currently
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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