hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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