My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize