saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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