Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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