It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
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would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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