YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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