it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
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I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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