you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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