just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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