Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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