Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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