I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
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I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
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If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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