Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
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I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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