I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
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I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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