if i can run in heels then i can drive
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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