I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
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peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
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Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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