I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
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Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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