I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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