Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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