I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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