I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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