once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
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I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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