I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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